Grief following a traumatic loss is a much more complicated process than normal grief. Survivors often describe it as feeling like, "they are going crazy without a roadmap of how to do it." When a loved one is murdered, the emotions of grieving, such as anger, are more intense and long lasting than in other kinds of loss. The elements of horror and cruelty in such a crime throw us into acute turmoil. We are shocked and confused, perhaps for much longer than for other kinds of loss because such an event is so difficult to comprehend. We are frequently obsessed by an overwhelming need to know the details of our loved one's death and the depth of his or her suffering. We are caught in a kaleidoscope of emotions: rage at the murderer, desire for revenge, sorrow at the pain of our loved one, and intense anxiety about the security of our world. We think we should have been able to prevent the death and are tormented by guilt. We have a hard time sleeping, and when sleep finally comes we have terrible nightmares. Those who have lost a loved one to murder have all the symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder. Like all grief, however, the experience and process of traumatic grief is different for everyone.

Society MUST allow people to grieve without setting time limits. Don't tell someone who has had a loss that it is "time to move on". Don't tell anyone who has had a loss to "get over it". Instead, advise them to embrace their grief - to ride with it - to go with the flow of it - to feel the feelings completely. No one can go through their grief for them - they have to go it alone. Family and friends can be of support (if they are lucky) but they cannot do it for these survivors. These survivors will not be the same person when the process is over. They will need to move through grief at their own pace. Too often, well-meaning individuals who say and do the wrong things because they are uninformed about the bereavement process will complicate the Survivor's struggle.

Consider the following story from Arthur, who lost his brother Jason:

"My life after my brother Jason was murdered has been shit. I drank, used drugs, hurt people, all the normal stuff. I have long since given up hurting people and using drugs, but the drinking isn't as easy. My grades fell in school. My interest in school was only who I could beat up next or get beat up by. Nothing really mattered to me. As I got older, I hated going to school. It reminded me of Jason. He went to the same school that I had to go to. My friend Kris helped me a lot, but then he was killed, followed by my friend Jesse. I wanted to follow them. I didn't want to be here no more."

"Since then I have gotten into hurtful relationships with girls just cause I needed to feel loved."

"My relationship with my dad sucks. Before Jason was killed, it was decent. My other brother is indifferent. He is going on with his life and I am glad he can. Me, I feel like I can't function like a normal human being. It's hard for me to make friends. It seems like I'm too serious - too depressed to have fun with someone. I get irritated because I try to lighten up but that seems like I scare people like that. So my life is screwed up because of Jason and Kris and Jesse's death. I want to join a monastery but they said I was "too worldly". Not even God wants me."

~Arthur, Age 21