Anger and Grief

Anger is just one of the intense emotions which are part of the typical grief experience. Not everyone feels it, but many do. It is a natural part of our self-preservation response. We know that when an animal is threatened or hurt, it will try to run away. If it cannot run, it will turn and fight. Psychologists call it the "fight or flight" response. Our minds register emotionally and physically painful situations as threats to our survival. If we cannot avoid them, we often strike out in anger.

The anger is easy to understand. If someone killed our loved one by accident or homicide, we have both a clear reason to be angry and a specific target for our anger.

"Everyone has their bad days. The last few have evidently been mine. My negativism in my remarks lately show this to be true. So in order to keep up with my current status, I'd like to say good riddance to you murderers out there who are to be executed. Good riddance to my ever forgiving the man who killed my brother. It will be a cold day in hell before I forgive him. For anyone that feels that I have lowered myself to thse criminals' level, good riddance to you, too. Let's trade. Let us resurrect my brother and put your most beloved in his place. And then you may hold yourself above the murderer and feel good because you forgive him and you let him walk free. And the, and only then, will I consider forgiving."

We try to understand why we are angry and who or what we are angry with. Anger needs a reason and a target to exist. The reason is clear - someone we love has been murdered. The target of our anger may be at someone specific such as the murderer(s), doctors, nurses, emergency response teams, funeral directors, friends, family members or even ourselves. God is a common target. If we cannot identify a specific target, we tend to walk around like time bombs waiting to explode. Knowing why we are angry and who or what the anger is aimed at helps us control the anger rather than allowing it to control us.

We may not be able to control how we feel, but we can control how we act. Find an appropriate way and a safe place to get it off your chest. You may never get rid of the anger entirely, but letting it out in a safe and appropriate way helps us begin to heal. A trusted and understanding friend, counselor, or a support group may be helpful.

"I also think that when we think about the killers having to live the rest of their life with what they have done we should get some sort of relief from that. I don't. I think in order to coldly kill someone as my son and others were killed takes someone that has no conscience whatsoever. That means that they will not be "suffering" the ramifications of what they have done. It does not bother them at all."

"I believe the killers have feelings and I believe they show how they feel when they are caught. They cry and whine about how society or their homelife or some other thing made them killers. They feel they are "good people."

"Too many times I have watched 20/20 or some other newsmagazine and I hear how horrible they are treated in prison and how bad it is for their loved ones on the outside. My heart bleeds purple peanut butter every time one of them says they only get to exercise for an hour a day. I have no sympathy for them. No, that is not true, I have as much sympathy for them as they did for their victims. I think that is fair."

"My son, Jason, was 17 years old on July 4, 1992. A 14-year old boy shot him 5 times because "his friend told him to shoot him, so he did". Jason was 5'11" and the killer was shorter and had to raise the gun over his own head to put the first bullet in my son's head. Then he emptied the gun into Jason after he fell. Does this sound like someone who has a conscience? I don't think so."

After Disaster, Understanding Traumatic Grief

Any disaster, whether natural or man-made, leaves us to grieve over our losses and adjust to a world in which our sense of security and control has been stolen.

Most adults have experienced feelings of grief, perhaps at the death of a family member, a significant decline in health, or a failed marriage. Children, too, at some point learn about the inevitability of loss. But when losses occur suddenly and traumatically, feelings of grief may be more intense, long-lasting, and emotionally disabling.

Traumatic grief is especially severe among those who are directly exposed to a disaster. People close by when the event occurred often find that mourning is made more difficult by their memories of painful sights, sounds, and colors at the scene. Often, those who are grieving behave as if they are numb; this is a way of "putting up one's guard" to avoid being emotionally overwhelmed.

Waiting to learn what has happened to a loved one involved in a disaster adds to the anguish. So does the ongoing media coverage and intense public interest; they make it hard for mourners to "get some distance" from the tragedy and begin to work through their painful feelings.

When a traumatic event is caused by the deliberate act of another human being, the grief of those affected is often mixed with feelings of rage at the cruelty and injustice of the attack. People who have been victimized want to find out who is responsible, understand the motive, and see that the guilty are punished. Thoughts of revenge are normal, but too much of this kind of thinking can delay the healing process.

Sometimes, individuals experiencing traumatic grief are bothered by memories of their last contact with their loved one - regretting, for example, that they parted in an angry or indifferent manner. It's common, too, to be haunted by the "empty spot" left in the family or workgroup and to focus on the fact that the person who died will no longer be present at special occasions or will never again occupy a certain chair or perform a particular job. Feeling the "empty spots" is painful, but a necessary part of the adjustment process.

Both children and adults have strong responses to traumatic loss, although they may express them differently. For example, an adult may openly show signs of depression for many months. A child may seem sad only briefly, then return to usual play activity, and may even appear to be ignoring the family's loss. It's important to remember that children do grieve, they simply have different ways of showing it - often with disruptive behavior, physical ailments, or impossible fantasies about the return of the lost family member or friend.

There are things you can do to help yourself and those around you through a period of traumatic grief. The first is to recognize that each person is unique. Children of varying ages have varied reactions. Each family member, co-worker, or friend now must learn to cope with different roles and routines, and each will be challenged with his or her own special "empty spots."

Young children need to be told the facts honestly, but gently. Tailor information to the child's level of understanding, but don't mislead or allow the child to harbor misinformation. Give youngsters extra attention and reassurance during a period of grief.

Ask for help and advice with practical decisions related to finances, your job, and other concerns. Decide which things must be done right away and defer the rest until a less stressful time. Keep your focus on positive memories, rather than reliving the tragedy or thinking of future sorrows.

Limit exposure to news stories about the disaster, if you feel they are delaying your recovery by keeping you "stuck" in a cycle of anger and grief.

Think about the coping skills you have depended on in other difficult times, and use them now.

Join a support group. There is comfort in sharing experiences, and strength in knowing you have helped others and allowed them to help you.