Forgiveness

One of the most volatile topics for Survivors is the issue of forgiveness. Forgiveness must be an individual choice for each survivor and attempts to persuade them to "forgive the murderer of their loved one" will lead to increased anxiety, frustration, and pain for the Survivor of homicide.

Consider the following statements made by survivors:

"As I head into my seventh year as a survivor, I never have nor will I ever be entertained by the thought of forgiveness. Vengeance is mine sayeth the Lord. True, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't like five minutes in the cell with my daughter's killer. That's when I ask for forgiveness. Forgiveness for myself, but that is all. I am a human being, not perfect and therefore incapable of providing forgiveness. That is His decision, and as far as I am concerned, that is between the murderers and the Lord himself, not me. My daughter Jennifer was murdered February 5, 1994 at the age of 20. No, I do not forgive or forget!"
~George O'Neal, Kentucky

"I know we are supposed to forgive those as we wish to be forgiven, but I am not Christ. How do you forgive some that you hate? Every time my daughters have to see their brother's murderer it tears me up. Not only is he walking free, but also he tries to intimidate my daughters. This monster destroyed our lives, as we once knew them."
~Cindi

"My brother was murdered the day before Thanksgiving, 1992. Yesterday I was visiting with my fiancée and his mother, who was visiting from out-of-state. They got into a discussion about God and how strongly she believes in prayer. She believes that God hears and answers her prayers. It was awful to listen to because I feel like God is not answering MY prayers. My brother was murdered. It is 8 years later and no suspects - no conviction - no justice. My fiancé's mother is very adamant that He answers but not always the way we like. But I pose this question: Why would God let me suffer for 8 years with no justice, yet answer her prayers? How do you deal with this? It is such another slap in my face to hear how God is helping her and not me."
~Cindy, California

"The one I am having trouble forgiving is myself. At the beginning of Andrew's baseball season we had him on a different team. He didn't like the coach and wanted to go back to his old team. We gave him a choice and he wanted to play with his friends, so we moved him to his old team. If we had not, we would have our son. Also, Andrew had already taken a turn at the pitcher's position that day. At the beginning of the last inning, Andrew ran back to the pitcher's mound, we told him to take another place and let another child be pitcher. But the coach said it was ok and to let him stay where he was - Oh how I wish we had made him move. Even though I know Andrew was happier on his old team, I can't get it out of my mind that I put him in danger. It is hard not to blame myself for what happened and as a result I punish myself a lot and in the past I have even hurt myself. I guess that is the way I have released my rage."

"My hope is that we can someday find a way to make peace with ourselves and accept that our loved ones are so very happy and only want us to be happy too."
~Donna, Nebraska

"The only one who can truly forgive our sons' murderers are the murderers themselves! I believe that God forgives those who come before him and, in their hearts, truly believe in and ask for his forgiveness! I hate the event and the loss of my Son, but I have never been able to hate the murderer! I have never been able to forgive him either, but as you have so aptly said, it is not my place nor do I have the power of forgiveness, that comes from a much higher source."
~Mike, Oregon

"As we have all found out, forgiveness is not the most popular subject amongst survivors of homicide. Like I've always said, I believe forgiving is left up to Him, not me. To think He needs them more than we do is absurd and ludicrous. Would that also mean that everyone else that has died was, be it sickness, accident, etc. are needed more by Him than here with their families? If they died because He needed them, needed them for what? In the case of sickness, if He needed them, are we to believe that God let them suffer before they died? Is he also responsible for the car accidents that have killed so many? For me to believe He needed my daughter more than me, would be to believe He is then an uncaring & unloving God."
~George O'Neal, Kentucky

Forgive
by Ralph Myers

We are constantly reminded to forgive, when what has happened to our loved ones is unforgivable,

You say we should "get over it, get on with our lives," when that life often seems unlivable.

Unable to forgive we are told we have nothing to gain.

Yet, try as we may, nothing seems to ease the heartbreak or pain.

To you, Minister, Priest, Rabbi, or well-meaning friend,

Please spare me your sermon - let me deal with my own private God and perhaps someday the anguish and sorrow I will be able to transcend.