How You Can Help

1. In the first days and weeks after the murder, offer help aggressively and concretely. The family may not know what you can do to help.
   • Prepare meals
   • Child care
   • Answer the phone
   • Help make calls or arrangements
   • If media is involved, run interference
2. Support is most needed after a few months. Allow time to talk about their grief and be prepared to listen. Ask how you can help. Grief shared is grief diminished. Each time a survivor talks about their loss, a layer of pain is shed.
3. Be mindful of anniversaries, holidays or the birth date of the person who was murdered. On these difficult days, people want to know that their loved ones are remembered.
4. Families may be involved for years in legal proceedings. Offer help and support during these critical times.
5. Information must be delivered accurately and with extreme sensitivity. No information should be withheld, regardless of the professional's feelings, especially if the family requests it. If you cannot answer a question - say so. But let the family know why the question cannot be answered.
6. A funeral is a necessary part of the healing process and those who do not have this opportunity may not face the reality of the death.
7. As a nurse, listen to the needs of the family
   • The need to know what happened
   • The need to see the body or touch the body bag
   • The need to know how much their loved one suffered (and be honest, because they will eventually find out)
   • The need to see crime scene photos. Many professionals, in fear of causing additional trauma, are reluctant to show families the photos.
8. Most importantly, accept their grieving for what it is - a process following a loss.

Verbal and Non-Verbal Statements that may be helpful

• Silence
• "You can go on with life, but you can't get over it"
• "Just sit with me. Listen to me. Don't give me advice"
• "I'm sorry"
• "I don't know what to say"
• "What do you want me to do for you?" - and DO it
• Refer to the deceased by name
• Ask about the deceased
• Ask to see photos of the deceased

As Pamela says, "No one has the right to put a limit on grief. It is the only thing we have left of our children and no one can take that from us. Grief does not mean that we are weak or crazy or selfish. It means that we are missing something that was taken from us."