What to Say to the Grieving

Although many people want to comfort and help the bereaved, the stress and anxiety of the encounter sometimes makes it difficult to know what is actually helpful. Often, the phrase that is meant to help actually produces more pain and distress. What follows is a partial list of phrases that have been found to be helpful in comforting the grieving person.

1. I'm sorry
2. I'm sad for you
3. How are you doing with all this?
4. I don't know why it happened
5. What can I do for you?
6. I'm here and I want to listen
7. Please tell me what you are feeling
8. This much be hard for you
9. What's the hardest part for you?
10. I'll call you tomorrow (and do it!)
11. You must really be hurting
12. It isn't fair, is it?
13. You must really feel angry
14. Take all the time you need
15. Thank you for sharing your feelings

The following list of small gestures and thoughts can mean a great deal to survivors as they struggle with their grief and anger:

• Allow survivors to grieve in whatever way they wish and for as long as they wish
• Allow survivors to cry freely. It is a healthy expression of grief and it releases tensions
• Allow survivors to talk about the victim and the situation. Allow them to talk about the good times and the bad times. Allow them to keep the victim in the family
• Allow survivors to get angry with you, the victim, the murderer, the justice system, the military system or simply the unfairness of life. Anger needs expression (not repression) and sharing
• Remember the survivors and victims at holiday time, the anniversary date of the horrific event, and birthdays - let the survivors know you remember too
• Reassure the survivors that the murder was not their fault, the victim's fault or God's fault - put the blame right where it belongs - on the murderer(s)
• Tell survivors that you are sorry the murder happened and that it is horrible that someone killed their loved one. Validate their feelings
• Support survivors in their effort to reconstruct a life, even (or especially) if it means a major change in their lifestyle, or work, or place of residence
• Let survivors know that you will remain their friend and that they mean a great deal to you
• Encourage survivors to seek additional emotional support, whether from mental health professionals or through grief support groups. They should be reassured that their feelings are normal and that these feelings are overwhelming for most individuals