She Cries - He Sighs

The differences between men and women and how they grieve.

Male/Female Relationships
Most relationships are intrinsically difficult

HE: "Big Picture"
HE: "Thinks"
HE: "Logical"
HE: "Copes Internally"
HE" "Sighs"

SHE: "Details"
SHE: "Feels"
SHE: "Intuitive"
SHE: "Copes Externally"
SHE" "Cries"

Potential Relationship Problems

1. SHE needs to talk about the event. She goes over it time and again trying to gather every possible detail to explain why and how.

   HE feels uncomfortable dealing on such a "feeling" level and finds excuses to avoid such confrontations.

2. SHE takes comfort in her faith. "God's will" may be the only explanation that gives any meaning to the event (true in most other types of grieving, but not for survivors of homicide)

   HE is angry with God, feeling that the event invalidates his religion.

3. SHE often wants to visit the grave.

   HE feels an aversion to visiting the cemetery.

4. SHE withdraws, reads books on grief, and writes as a means of expressing her pain.

   HE throws himself into his work, hobby, or other activities to keep busy and avoid the pain.

5. SHE expects him to grieve and behave the same as she does and thinks he doesn't care when he does.

   HE needs space to grieve in his own way and resents her for imposing her feelings on him.

6. SHE seeks support groups as an outlet for her expression.

   HE wants to avoid showing his pain in front of other people, particularly strangers.

7. SHE has no interest in sex and resents his desire for it at this time.

   HE wants to make love for the comfort and reassurance that comes through intimacy.

8. SHE knows that her life is irrevocably changed and will never be the same again.

   HE wants her and their life back the way it was before the event.

9. THEY can sometimes compete with each other to see who is grieving the hardest.
10. THEY seek to escape the event by taking a vacation, moving, changing jobs, etc.
11. THEY seek to numb their pain through alcohol, drugs, shopping, extramarital affairs, etc.
12. THEY are angry with doctors or with other authority figures (law enforcement, judges, etc.) involved with the murder and have, more than once, discussed legal action.
13. THEY feel betrayed by their family and friends through their perceived lack of understanding and caring.
14. THEY are both so caught up in their own grief that there is no recognition or understanding of the grief experienced by their children or extended family members.

"Relationships after tragedy are the hardest to keep. After our youngest son Andrew died, my husband, surviving son and I started seeing a counselor. She told us it would be very hard to keep our family together and we had to focus on it. Each person handles grief so differently that it is hard to keep your own life together in addition to worrying about someone else. I have felt myself draw more into myself. It is very difficult to do family things without Andrew. It is hard to laugh, feel romantic or joyful. And, if those things ever happen, then comes guilt. We have fought very hard to hold on. I can't imagine our relationships will ever be the same - no matter if it is family or friends. We can't expect to have the relationships we had before, but we can try to pull together and start again."
~Donna

What those that work with Survivors can suggest that may help

1. Explain to them the statistical potential for a negative marital outcome during the bereavement period.
2. Counsel them about the grieving needs and expectations of each other and the importance of recognizing and allowing each other the natural expression of their grief.
3. Explain the potential relationship problems so that they can recognize patterns that may develop.
4. Encourage and help her (them) to find a local support group where she can find others who will share their experiences with her (them).
5. Encourage HIM to go to a couple of meetings with her only as an observer. Tell them both that there will be no pressure put on him whatsoever to actively participate. Most men will inevitably participate if you can just get them there!
6. Discourage the making of any decisions that will impact any important are of their life for one year.
7. If there are other children, encourage them to express and discuss their grief openly and honestly. Give concern to how the children are coping with the experience, and recognize that the child is grieving too.
8. Encourage INDIVIDUAL ways of grieving
9. Encourage families to establish periods during each week where they can express and share their common feelings.
10. Encourage them to establish periods during the week for intimacy and closeness where the loss is not discussed.
11. Encourage them to establish periods during the week or month for family activities, which include the children, if any.